I’m learning that “nesting” doesn’t apply to me. What does? “GET ALL OF THE THINGS DONE BECAUSE THIS KID IS COMING IN 30 DAYS OR LESS”. Yesterday alone, I did 4 loads of baby laundry, prepared the crib, rearranged the nursery, put away all the clean clothes and supplies, prepped the baby’s bathroom, DIY’ed two prints to hang in the baby’s room (including above), started a third DIY, placed an Amazon Pantry order, placed a Motherhood Maternity order and began to prep the hospital bags for BabyZ, me and Husband. Oh, plus a trip to Target for: nursing tanks, Halloween candy and decor, food supplies that were on sale via Cartwheel and other random things. Which that meant I spent over 100 bucks… but that’s normal for Target.
….and then I slept for exactly 9 hours and 45 minutes last night. Mama was tired. I definitely feel less panicky now, but I’m still anxious to complete everything else left to do: buy a few more critical things left on our registry. Hang the blackout curtains in the nursery. Install the car seat bases in both cars. Write up a draft of our Will (which doesn’t exist yet). Clean the house. Pre-pay bills for next month. And so on.
I’m learning that sometimes you have to let people go. Or at least let go of the hurt. This pregnancy has been absolutely/shockingly eye-opening when it comes to relationships, both good and bad. I’ve learned that you can make yourself vulnerable and apologize for your past sins to try to make amends… only to receive silence as a response. I’ve had the most genuine and heartfelt conversations with some that I least expected to care or be willing to devote their time and energy to me. On the flip, I’ve been a
little LOT saddened heartbroken by a lack of interest and/or complete and total silence for the duration from others. I understand that having a child is a huge milestone and that not everyone will react to it in a manner in which I desire. I cannot control the actions of others. However, I can control the actions of myself, in an effort to shield my already tender heart from additional stress or worry over something out of my hands. Therefore, I choose to accept. To grieve. And to move the fuck on.
I’m learning that it is possible to fall more in love with your husband. Every single day of this pregnancy, he has made me feel cherished and beautiful. But regardless of how much he dotes on me, shoves food in my mouth (literally) when I’m hangry, protects me from everything he possibly can, talks to and kisses my belly… do you know what really smacks me in the heartfeels? The moments I catch him looking at my heavily pregnant body when I’m not really paying attention. Moments when I’m brushing my hair in only a sleep bra and undies. And the utter love, awe, disbelief and gratefulness are written all over his face. No words are needed. Yet he gives them anyway – how much he loves me and appreciates me. That he is so in love with his baby boy already and can’t wait for him to “come out and play”. And how many years he’d believed that this wasn’t in the cards for him… but here we are. My words are pitifully inadequate. Suffice it to say that this man is my person, through and through.
I’m learning that it is also possible to have an extraordinary amount of love for someone you’ve never met. This sweet child of mine is already so loved. I know he will make me cry, whether through newborn exhaustion or teenage idiocy. I know we will make parenting mistakes. I know I will fail him as a mama at some point or another. But I also know that his father and I will love him furiously and always, always do our best by him and for him. I know that our families will also.
Thirty days (or less) until we meet our son.
Till next time.