Last week I was all over the place. Not sleeping because I couldn’t make my brain SHUT UP, worrying about anything and everything and all other sorts of other perfectly normal things but all piled up on top of each other. Kinda like that picture up there. I was fatigued, stressed, weepy and just generally over feeling so damn inadequate because I was (in my mind) failing at everything.
It all came to a head when I started an innocent email to a friend with the intent of making carpool plans to a 5K race and I ending up spilling my guts and venting about about everything to her… until halfway through said rant I realized I sounded like a crazy woman who’s gone off the bridal deep end. Like, padded room crazy. Lucky for me, this friend understood, embraced my rant and talked me off the ledge rather than side-eyeing me and backing away slowly (like I was doing to my own self). Also lucky for me, I already had a therapy session booked for that very night. Thank GOD.
Side note: Never a more apropos time to seek therapy than when you decide to do something crazy like plan a wedding.
After taking the weekend to spend time with my love and get caught up on a bit of sleep, I’m better now. Because I also realized that it’s perfectly okay to be wobbly sometimes. I’m not perfect. I’ll never be able to be ALL OF THE AMAZING while wearing the hats of: fiance, wedding planner, bride, student, career woman, blogger, guest blogger, daughter, sister, friend, Maid of Honor, CrossFit-er and runner all at once. And I’ve been holding myself fully accountable to being 100% perfect at all of them, all of the time.
Until it hit me that I cannot. I am a super woman, but I am not SuperWoman.
It has come time to prioritize what is most pressing to accomplish in the immediate, versus what needs to give a little. For someone who always gives too much at the expense of her own happiness, this is in-fucking-credibly hard for me to do. But for the sake of my self, I must. And right now I’m eyeballing my calendar, which boasts a big highlighted date in less than a month. On that date, I’m taking a huge professional exam. This exam is a BFD for me (and my career future) and I have already invested a ton of money into my training and the exam cost, therefore the rest of my roles may not get as much attention until I pass. This means a minimum of 2-3 hours of studying a day before/after work and minimal social time. Short term pain for long term gain. I WILL PASS. And it will be worth it.
I’ll absolutely still be blogging in the Real Bride series over at Broke-Ass Bride and I’ll keep letting you know about those posts here at 50Peach. But for the next month or so, that may be all you see from me here. I hope you can understand that I have to be kind to me right now and give only what I am capable of giving, when I am capable of doing so.
In the meantime, wish me luck getting out of Atlanta for my work trip before the next Snowmageddon hits. Good luck to all you ATL peeps!