I never lie to my family about anything. Except this blog.
This weekend, my mom asked, “Hey, do you still have your old blog?”
…. holy shit panic panic panic I’m such a bad liar what do I say ohmygod does she know?…..
“Oh, that thing? Nah, I don’t post on it any more.”
Change the subject. NOW.
Why is it that I’m brave enough to reveal my face here to total strangers, but become paralyzed by the thought of sharing this site with my family?
I know that part of it is that I don’t want them to be hurt or embarrassed by anything I’ve written. It’s not like my stories are anywhere close to NC-17. But I have written some things that are risque. Some things that maybe they don’t know about. And some things that are about them.
But the largest reason I won’t tell them is my own fear of self-imposed censorship. You see, Mom was referring to my previous blog in which I wrote as myself and my family actively read and talked with me about each post. But I found that I censored what I published for fear of repercussions or unneeded drama, which didn’t sit well with my writer self. I absolutely need the freedom to write what I want, uncensored, without worrying about anyone else’s reactions, judgments, feelings or bullshit. I’m a pleaser by nature, so it was huge for me to (what I consider) selfishly start this anonymous blog as Peach, purely so I can say what I fucking have to say. To paraphrase my friend Russ, “You know those things you debate writing and almost delete? THAT’S what you should publish.” So I am.
Which is why I can’t tell them about Peach.
Case in point: I recently set my Mom up with a Facebook account and she now sees all, comments on all, likes all and will then phone me to ask, “did you see so and so from high school is getting a divorce/having a baby/took a poop”? I knew she’d be hooked on FaceStalk once she started…but I had no IDEA the extent. That said, it wouldn’t exactly be shit-city if she discovered this blog and went digging in my archives and found some of my less-than-chaste dating stories. She’d probably laugh her hysterical laugh, dissolve into a coughing fit and then call me up to demand more dirty details. But STILL… I wouldn’t write the details in the first place if I knew she was reading! Dad? He’d stay away. Even on my previous (and very tame) blog, he told me he felt like it was an invasion of my privacy to read it. Translation: Dads don’t really want to hear about your love life. Tanx GOD. My brother? Meh. He’d probably read sometimes and make annoying comments to poke fun at me, but again… knowing there was a chance of his reading would alter my words. It’s a conundrum.
I admire other bloggers who write openly despite their family readership. I envy their freedom, but I just don’t know how to adopt that kind of not-giving-a-shit attitude when it comes to my family. Granted, I’m sure Dooce’s parents found out when she blew up on the internet for being fired for having a blog, and the likelihood of me becoming an overnight interweb sensation is slim to nil. However, the risk I took in revealing my face here includes the minute chance that my blog personality will leak into my private one, or vice versa. It would only take one tiny slip on Facebook and in an instant a fuck-ton of people would know that I’m Peach.
But would that be the end of the world? I’m not so sure. It’s been over a year since I started 50peach, and I’ve learned that there are definite drawbacks to blogging anonymously.
First, it’s a pain in the ass for my IRL friends that know. They are so respectful of keeping me private (which I appreciate!), but many of them feel conflicted about using their personal social media accounts to cheer me on… for fear of outing me. Maintaining my anonymity is a bit of a burden on them.
Second, it presents a pickle for ME. You may not realize, but I have the following social media accounts that I manage (by choice) on a daily basis:
- personal Facebook
- personal Twitter
- personal Instagram
- personal MyFitnessPal
- personal DailyMile
- personal Pinterest
- personal email
- Peach blog
- Peach Twitter
- Peach Instagram
- Peach Pinterest
- Peach email
Yes, you read that right. Between the above and my day job, plus texts and phone calls, I’m staring at some kind of screen for upwards of 12-13 hours a day. The fact that I’m even debating a Facebook page for this blog makes me question my own sanity. That would push me over the edge for sure. I’m already struggling to keep up.
Third, being anonymous makes it more challenging to gain readers. I am certain I’d increase my readership by coming out fully. I could link to it on Facebook and announce new posts and I’m sure my friends would read and support me! But with that gain would come relinquishment of very private, very personal details to some people I’d rather not have privy to such information. Uncles and high school acquaintances and teenaged cousins really don’t need to be reading about my past dating debacles. Not to mention the gates would be open for the haters and judgers. Ick.
It’s a dilemma which has no solution right now. I guess it just comes down to a balance of two things: Why I choose to write on this blog vs. What I hope to gain from it. Am I writing purely for me or am I seeking something more?
I’d welcome any insight or thoughts from my friends, my readers and my fellow bloggers – public or anonymous. Thanks for letting me vent, y’all.